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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 01 August 2010 21:28

The Discovery Channel kicked off Shark Week, its weeklong celebration of the San Jose Sharks NHL franchise today in style, with several brand new programs about the mediocre hockey team. The yearly tradition of changing the entire channel over from nature programming to sports, and focusing on such an obscure franchise, has surprisingly worked out great for the network. Families gather around the television to tune in and see what crazy footage the Discovery cameras have captured every year.

The fun started for 2010's Shark Week with a new episode of Shark Hunters, about the brave men and women who patrol the streets of San Jose and hunt Sharks players in the offseason. Highlighting this year's premiere was the catch of a six foot 1 inch long, 213 pound goalkeeper named Thomas Greiss, who the Shark Hunters snagged coming out of a nightclub. They strung the man up in the center of town by his jaws, so people could take a look at one of the largest specimens caught so far on the program.

The show has garnered a lot of controversy with human rights groups, but the open hunting laws on San Jose Sharks players have stayed in place. The city claims that having it legal to catch and kill their hockey players is good for tourism, and doesn't really affect anyone outside of the players, as these people play in the NHL, so it's not like anyone knows who they are. They are also mostly Canadians. Besides, kids and families enjoy posing with the strung up dead bodies of Sharks players in the town square.

Other programs to be shown during this year's Shark Week include the specials:

  • Feeding Time- Documenting the double decker tourist buses that carry tourists around San Jose and throw raw fish and chum over the side to Sharks players who circle around the bus.
  • Ultimate Shark Jump- Happy Days star Henry Winkler attempts to jump over a San Jose Sharks practice ice rink on water skis, with the dangerous players circling below.
  • How To Survive A Shark Attack- Experts tell how to stay safe should you be attacked by a Sharks player who may mistake you for his usual prey of seal.

Critics of Shark Week continue to ask why such an unpopular sport and franchise was chosen as the subject for a weeklong celebration. Discovery claims that they just beat out more popular teams such as the New York Yankees and Pittsburgh Steelers. They say that the week is so popular, they can't change it to someone else now. Also, things such as hunting men and throwing raw fish around onto the streets are probably not allowed in a real city like New York.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 14 July 2010 15:56

The NCAA announced that March Madness is going to be getting a whole lot more mad next year, as they expand to 1367.5 teams in an effort to boost revenue and ratings. The move was met with groans from the general sports media, who questioned the logistics outlined in the NCAA's unveiling presentation today.

Apparently pretty much any basketball team in the country, organized or unorganized, will be making the March tournament. Only next year, it won't just be contained to one month. Organizers say that the new tournament will now span three years. That is how much time will be needed for the 42 regional sites, up from the traditional four, to conduct their brackets.

"We have never been more behind an idea than this one," said NCAA President Bill Whitford. "We have had so many good teams just miss out on making this tournament, this will ensure none ever do again! Just imagine people's brackets they are going to get to fill out at work. I'd advise all managers to maybe schedule a company holiday or two in March so they can get all the names down all that thing. And also to invest in a lot more paper, they are going to need lots of room to draw this bracket out."

Due to the sheer number of teams in next year's tournament, it is expected to actually take a year and a half to finish. The final few rounds will actually overlap with the following year's tournament, but NCAA management doesn't feel it's a problem.

"People love watching March Madness basketball!" continued Whitford. "Now they can have Summer Madness basketball! It will be on in the middle of the night! Nonstop college action! CBS has already cancelled all original programming they were hoping to show next year, and instead will just be airing games 24/7. Needless to say, they are very excited about this expansion as well."

A lot has been made of the number they chose to expand to. 1367.5, which they confirmed today means that one team will only get to field half a roster on the court.

"Look, now that we are allowing over a thousand teams into this thing. If you're the last team on the list, you're clearly no good. As punishment for that, you only get to bring half your team. But just think of the upset, should the 1367.5 seed beat the number one seed! It would be complete anarchy! That's just one of the many additions our new format will provide."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 January 2009 15:35

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:

  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 January 2009 13:58

As Dave Philips flipped off the lights, after yet another hard fought day manning the overnight shift, he thought back on his illustrious career as a server of some of the best McDonald's burgers the game has ever seen. In what likely was his last burger served in a McDonald's uniform yesterday, Philips put on his usual show, serving small amounts of meat buried in a mountain of bread like the superstar he is.

A crowd of dozens turned up to see Philips at the Philadelphia area McDonald's to see his last performance, many reminiscing about some of their fondest memories of the burger flipper.

"He was one of the fast food game's greats, possibly the greatest ever," said 64-year-old Tom Britt. "The way he could run a microwave, typing in numbers, changing the power setting from high to low, using defrost when necessary, it was unlike anything I've ever seen before. Sure, he had some bad games here and there, one time he forgot to put bacon on my Bacon Burger Deluxe, but for the most part its been a great ride having him cook my ninety-nine cent food."

Despite having played for McDonald's for his entire career, the 34 year old Philips was released after the end of this holiday season. Many note the decline in his speed as a factor for the decision, with some teammates saying he doesn't dunk the fries in oil as quick as he used to. But management insists that they would love for him to finish his career with the McDonald's store #507 team, and claim his release was based on financial considerations. As a 17 year veteran of the team, Philips was due to make $5.6 million on his contract next year. Store #507 says that would leave them little salary cap space to pay for other players.

Philips goes to the Burger King across the street to try and play out the final few years he has left in his tired body. They landed the high profile free agent with a $6.80 per hour contract. He hopes to one day capture the Employee of the Month award that has for so long eluded him. He leaves store #507 holding several franchise records including most burgers served in a career and highest order completion percentage. There is talk ownership may retire his nametag and place it on the wall, any future hires named Dave will have to choose a new name while at the store.

As Philadelphia attempts to move on without the legend who has guided their McDonald's for so long, they wonder what the future holds...

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 14 January 2009 15:43

The mayor of Washington D.C. has officially put the city naming rights for the Washington Wizards up for sale, following yet another loss that sent them to 7-30 on the season. Often stadiums and arenas will put their naming rights up for sale, but never before has a team offered to change the name of their city for a price.

"This team is an embarrassment," said Mayor Adrian Fenty. "We are getting ready to usher in a new U.S. President that will change the face of Washington, there is excitement in the air, and then we have this team here to bring us down. Other foreign leaders laugh at the fact our capital's team is so horrendous at basketball. Just yesterday at a peace conference, Russian Prime Minister Putin was mocking the Wizards for being foolish enough to sign Gilbert Arenas to a $100 million deal when he can't make it through a 7-game series without getting injured. It's shameful. Therefore, we are selling the city naming rights to the highest bidder."

Fenty went on to say that the rights could be purchased by either another town or a corporation, just so long as it no longer says Washington on it. This gives the chance for smaller cities that have always wanted a real NBA team such as Dover, Delaware or Providence, Rhode Island to finally get their name on a team. Several companies have expressed interest in the team, which could result in a name change to the T-Mobile Wizards or possibly the International House Of Pancakes Wizards.

Fenty reminded prospective buyers that the team will stay in the city, they are just looking to change the name and disassociate it from the capital. Only time will tell how this first of it's kind endeavor turns out.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 07 January 2009 15:57

The Oakland Athletics announced today that they had agreed to a one year contract with their former MVP Jason Giambi, 7 years after he began a dangerous undercover mission to destroy the New York Yankees. The A's welcomed back their favorite son and late 90's offensive standout with open arms, after he managed to almost single-handedly turn the Yankees from dynasty to suck.

Giambi started his time with New York playing as he had when he was in Oakland, earning their trust with his big power numbers. But in his third year he began his hidden agenda to bring down the Yanks with a horrendous batting average, high strike out rate, repeated injuries, and crippling salary. The A's sent him on the mission when they found out they could not beat the Yankees in straight-up playoff competition, so they decided to destroy them from within by sending their supposed best player.

"I am just glad to be home," said Giambi in a press conference announcing the deal. "It has been a grueling undercover mission in New York. Did you know you can't even find a house in the city? You have to live in a 3000 square foot condo overlooking some park! It was awful. Plus I was only getting about $26 million a year in per diem. I was barely getting by on that scratch!

"But I got home last night and had sex with my actual wife instead of a random 19-year-old I met at a downtown club, I had a meal other than the horrible lobster and steak they serve in every restaurant there, and I even went to a Wal-Mart! It was wonderful."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 01 January 2009 19:43

After another sub-par year for Notre Dame football, head coach Charlie Weis vows big changes on the horizon for next season. He says that in order to change the results on the field, they are going to have to change their entire team identity.They will start by no longer being known as the Notre Dame Fighting Irish, but the Passive Aggressive Irish.

Instead of their old defensive methods of attempting to tackle the opposing team, they will express their desire for them not to get into the endzone by not speaking to them for a long time or maybe not inviting them to the annual Christmas party. Charlie Weis has already begun deploying his passive aggressive mind games against USC for next season when he did not include them in a Top 5 college teams bulletin he posted on his Facebook. We will have to wait and see if this technique can stop them from beating them by 30 points again next year.

"We just don't have the athletes to fight head to head against these big programs," said Weis. "That is why we are changing the name of the team. We aren't going to be able to establish a power running game over Michigan's athletes, but we can not call them for a couple of weeks and see if that throws them off guard long enough to get some touchdowns. Look, this is the best plan I could come up with..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 01 January 2009 19:42

ESPN ran a story yesterday saying that an Anonymous Jets player said that Brett Favre was distant from the rest of the team and spent most of his time in a private office alone. Anonymous went on to say that Favre should have been benched during his 3 interception performance in week 16, and the team can't be all about one person. The news goes to further illustrate just how fast things went from good to sour in New York after the team started the year 8-3.

But Favre is not taking the news lying down, and in a press conference today disputed these allegations, saying that Anonymous was actually the one who was distant from the team, and that people barely even knew who he was.

"I don't even remember playing with this guy," said Favre. "I remember Laveranues Coles, Thomas Jones, but I can't remember Anonymous even showing up for team meetings. If you want to look at someone to blame for our failures down the stretch, you can look right to him. I threw 20 incompletions in that last game, but at least 15 of those were to Anonymous, and he didn't come down with a single one. It's like he wasn't even out there on the field."

Indeed, other players are struggling to remember their teammate at all. "Anonymous...It's not ringing a bell," said Nick Mangold. "Is he french or something?"

Analysts are jumping all over the latest comments from Anonymous. "This guy is just a locker room cancer," said ESPN's Trey Wingo. "People really get on Terrell Owens and Randy Moss for things they say after tough losses, but it's actually Anonymous who is the worst. Every time you hear really damaging stuff, it's from this guy. At least they contribute on the field. Anonymous has never even made a pro bowl. The Jets need to cut ties with him during the offseason and move on."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 28 September 2010 07:36

"1.5 gallons of beer in a plastic bottle is a lot like 1 gallon of wine in a box."

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Read more: Two Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 08 April 2009 09:49

The Cleveland Browns have been announced as having clinched the final playoff spot in the NHL Eastern Conference playoffs today. It's a bold move and obvious by the league to try and get a team in the NHL playoffs that sports fans would actually care about.

"The Cleveland Browns have a rich and excitable fanbase," said NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a press conference earlier today. "They want to see their team make the playoffs, and since that doesn't ever seem to happen for them in the NFL, why not let them come and try their hand at our postseason. We showed them a fun highlights video about hockey, and they are looking forward to trying to learn how to play over the course of the next week.

"Look, it was them or the Florida Panthers...I'm the Commissioner of this league, and I wasn't even sure the Panthers were a real franchise until I looked them up on wikipedia."

The Browns themselves were very excited about finally having clinched a playoff berth somewhere. To celebrate, they all met in a Cleveland supermarket and sprayed cheap champagne on themselves in the wine section.

Their fans meanwhile didn't quite know what to make of the announcement.

"Well, I'm glad we finally get to watch our Browns in the postseason," said fan Vic Mangold. "But, these guys can barely play football, I can't imagine they're going to be able to learn a new sport in only a week or two."

The news is very exciting for the franchise, which was also in the running to get a bid from the Arena Football League to appear in their postseason this year. But then they decided there was no way the Cleveland Browns would ever really make even the AFL playoffs, and decided to just shut down the league instead.

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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