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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 25 October 2010 20:04

If the Chargers can't manage to hold the Patriots to under 37 yards in the first half, they are going to be in a big hole.

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Read more: Day Too Late NFL Predictions - 10/25

Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 28 September 2010 07:36

"1.5 gallons of beer in a plastic bottle is a lot like 1 gallon of wine in a box."

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Read more: Two Day Too Late NFL Predictions

Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 20 September 2010 07:30

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Bahahaha, my opponent in fantasy football was dumb enough to pick up Michael Vick this week. There's a guaranteed win for me...
  • Look for Brett Favre to bounce back in a big way this week, he just needed to get warmed up after missing most of the preseason and training camp.
  • If there's one thing I love when going out to a bar, it's hot mean female bartenders making fun of me for not enjoying the pisswater that is Miller Lite.
  • I predict the battle between Manning brothers gets so heated that it ends in two possible ways:
    • 1) They actually come to blows on the field and settle things in a fight, although with how lame they look like they would be in a fight, this will probably just involve a lot of slapping and hair pulling.
    • 2) Peyton Manning attempts to play defensive end, so that he can actually tackle and/or his brother. Once again, with how lame he looks, he might end up dead from trying this.
  • The Buffalo Bills might not have a great team, but at least they are always competitive.
  • Men who take Viagra don't need to know how to fix engines properly. They just need to pour a bottle of water into the engine and then keep driving.
  • Common sense tells me that one team has to win this game between the St. Louis Rams and the Oakland Raiders, but after watching them last week I'm not so sure. I mean, a tie is technically possible, so I'm going to go with that.
  • Finally, the Patriots will make the Jets completely shut up after they thrash them this weekend. I for one will be glad to hear them stop chirping.
  • Two years in, and I still can't remember who that QB is down in Tampa Bay. Doesn't really matter though, he sucks and there's no way they beat the Panthers.
  • I hope there are more episodes of Justin Timberlake and Peyton Manning's gay dates coming. Their trip to the Sony 3D lab was a good season premiere, and although a pretty gay place to go, I bet they can do better.
  • I bet we see lots of Tim Tebow during the Broncos game this week. His 2 yards last week were indispensible. Lots of Tebow indeed.
  • Matt Leinart's old Cardinals team is going to really show him what he's missing this year by destroying the Falcons. They hope he's watching that scoreboard as his new Texans get beaten for the first time.
  • At least the Steelers have Dennis Dixon left to quarterback their team until Roethlisberger comes back. That guy strong as an ox, so they don't need to tap into the emergency QB reserves just yet.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 13 September 2010 07:03

Like all sports analysts, I like to make predictions about what will happen each Sunday of the NFL season. While most predictions the so-called experts make are completely wrong once the games happen, and they move right along as if they never made them, I have no problem showing mine to the world.

It just so happens I forgot to post this before the games ran. But since I am the consummate professional, I am still going to reveal them here. Some of them were slightly off:

  • Tim Tebow is going to be just as awesome as all the hype says he's going to be. Just you wait until they proves not only that he can actually pass, but that he can still run over NFL defenses.
  • After all the bad luck the Lions franchise has had over the past few seasons, the football gods seem to finally be smiling down kindly on them. If there is any, even remotely close replay, expect it to go their way.
  • This just in, Blackberry would like to try and convince you that non-old white business men use Blackberries. Yep, just like the commercials, I totally know a lot of young ethnic skateboarder kids who are always raving about their Blackberry.
  • What?! I missed my fantasy draft and it auto-picked up someone named Arian Foster in one of the late rounds? Dropped! Maybe I can still pick up someone from that fierce Bengals backfield instead...somebody who might actually get some yards...
  • Pete Carroll is about to learn a hard lesson about how hard coming back to the NFL is from college. He'll wish he was back at scandal-ridden USC after this thrashing by the 49ers.
  • Drink Bud Light with Lime! It's like being transported to a world where it's always Summer, and you can play with sillouettes of women much more attractive than your wife in an ocean of urine.
  • Michael Vick has lost a few steps, I don't think anyone really needs to plan to stop him. But no one needs to worry about seeing him anyway, not with a young healthy Kevin Kolb at QB.
  • The Bengals are a completely different team this year with all the weapons they have on offense. Watch how big a lead they jump out to on the Patriots...
  • Eli Manning will distribute the ball evenly to members of both teams.
  • Some people are glad that football is back all over the TV, but I'm just glad nonstop truck commercials are back on TV.
  • The Tennessee Titans aren't going to be able to do much against the Oakland Raider defense. They are new and improved, and are going to put a clamp down on what was a great rushing attack.
  • If Tony Romo struggles out there, I fully expect them to put in Troy Barkman. That is the only thing I've liked in a Dallas Cowboys jersey in a long time.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 11 August 2010 20:08

There has long been a belief that to be on the cover of Madden each year results in either a horrible injury or an awful statistical season. The statistics speak for themselves. Marshall Faulk, Michael Vick, Shaun Alexander, and even last year's Troy Polamalu. All injured the year after appearing on the cover and have never been the same again. Every other athlete of the last 10 years has suffered the same fate.

But which covers resulted in the worst curses of all time? We count down that list here...

• The first edition of Madden released for the Zune, featured Microsoft’s MP3 competitor to the iPod. It allowed you to play directly on the Zune, but failed horribly as no one bought a Zune, or the Madden game released on it. EA would never again try to release anything for the Zune.

• The longtime Chargers and Saints kicker appeared on the cover in 2002 in a somewhat controversial pick. Not only did he end up missing a PAT in the final game that could have sent the Saints to the playoffs that year. But, like some other great Madden cover athletes after suffering the curse, he never scored a touchdown again, despite playing 7 more years in the league.

• Madden NFL 11 AD: Released in the year 0011, was the first Madden game in existence. What made it so revolutionary was the fact the developers made it without a knowledge of American football, John Madden, or even computers. Archealogists recovered a preserved copy in a dig site in Italy last year, and the cover features the Holy Roman Empire endorsing this great game of the future. They were sacked by the Visigoths later that season.

• In 1998, EA Sports really wanted to show off the facility where Madden was made, give the people a look behind the curtain at the studio. They chose to put a picture of their company cafeteria on the cover. But fairly soon after that, they had John Madden in for a photoshoot, and he decimated their eatery, devouring everything in site. It was so horrific watching him eat multiple portions of every single thing on the menu, many of the cooks and attendants quit on the spot.

The entire room was declared an ecological disaster area by the Environment Protection Agency. EA was forced to close their cafeteria and no longer allows lunches to be made on premesis for fear of this literal Madden curse coming back to dine there.

• 1994’s Madden cover featured Godzilla, who was blowing up in popularity in the United States. Although completely unrelated to football, they thought this would appeal to kids more than a fat old guy making funny faces at the camera. Godzilla was making movies, destroying Tokyo repeatedly, and generally was both the literal and figurative biggest thing on the planet. But then he foolishly attacked the Tamagotchi Genetics Lab, and in destroying the building released a toxic gas that transformed him back into merely a regularly sized lizard. He would fade rapidly in popularity and eventually be replaced in films by a man in a suit.

• Madden 2008, released in 2007, featured a picture of the New York Stock Exchange, after a feeling around the country that the American Economy was the best it’s ever been. Shortly after the game hit store shelves, to confused NFL fans wondering why their sports title featured a picture of a big room with stockbrokers, the economy collapsed into the worst depression in half a century.

Houses fell in value, unemployment was at its highest levels, banks collapsed. It's all the result of a cover choice by the Madden team.

• John Madden 2000 was the final year Madden himself would ever grace a cover. EA finally realized that maybe putting actual athletes on there would work better to sell copies of a video game where you are playing the sport, not playing an old man in the booth. Before Madden appeared on the cover of his own game he won a Super Bowl, was a great coach, and had a full head of hair. He has none of those things since, and we can only guess the curse is to blame.

• In 2003, the Madden team experimented, and would make you a personalized cover with any pictures you wanted on it. All you had to do was send them the photos and paid shipping and handling. Yours was decorated with all the girls you liked in high school, and of course…we all know how that turned out. If you hadn’t sent in those pictures and suffered the curse, maybe you would have done a little better with the ladies.

• While not a Madden game, Tiger Woods 10 deserves special inclusion on this list of sports game curses. It was believed that to appear on the cover of Tiger Woods Golf was actually a reversal of the Madden Curse, and hence Tiger wanted to be on it every year so that he could reap the benefits of Major wins, endorsements, and nonstop sex with promiscuous women behind his wife’s back.

But it turns out the gods of videogame karma were merely saving up 10 years worth of covers for revenge on Woods. This year he lost his mistresses, lost his wife, and now can’t play golf worth a crap. By far the biggest fall from appearing on a video game cover.

• The evil Egyptian Pharoah, of course on the cover of Madden NFL 212 AD, appeared as a playable character with fully maxed out stats, and an ability to start offsides when on defense. He was deemed overpowered and patched out of the game in an update shortly after release, but he cursed the game and may be the mystical reason why every cover athlete since has had a bad season following their appearance on the game.

He was the subject of several awful Brendan Fraser action movies as the mythical mummy. Because of that, many of us have had to suffer the curse ourselves of having to watch those crap films. As the possible original reason why the game is cursed, and for wasting our time in theaters, he must be number one.

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Written by Nick Cafferky Tuesday, 10 August 2010 21:01

With every Madden game, there come several new features and mini-games that gamers can play in addition to the basic play. This year’s crop is the best in years as players get to see yet another dimension of being in the NFL.

Conditioning Tests Mini-Game:

In Franchise mode, force players to run and fail meaningless conditioning tests. For extra poits, leak to the press that a pregnant woman could pass the test.

Too simple for you? Try the tests from the other side and see if you can navigate an overweight lineman through shuttle runs and fake a knee injury when you fail.

Roger Goodell Mode:

Ever notice that Roger Goodell seems to wield way more power that a commissioner should? Well, in this game, you have the ability to punish players for altercations that even the police don’t care about. Also, make sure to give preferential treatment to the stars of your league (Ben Roethlisberger, Vince Young).

Brett Favre Coverage:

You get to choose between ESPN reporters Ed Werder and Rachel Nichols as you spend hours standing in front of a high school practice where Favre may or may not be training for a comeback. Try and make no news seem like BREAKING NEWS.

Tony Romo Mode:

Lead the Dallas Cowboys to a magnificent regular season only to choke in the playoffs because you spent the weekend in Mexico with your annoying girlfriend. In order to get away from the completely warranted bad press, convince everyone that you have a realistic shot at qualifying for the golf U.S. Open.

Terrell Owens Mode:

Be an over-the-hump wide receiver with mediocre hands, who is shocked that he can no longer find work. In order to find a team to sign you, convince executives that the media is out to get you and that your previous quarterbacks weren’t any good.

The Twitter Mini-Game:

While in the huddle, get bonus points for tweeting to your fans. Get even more for using tweets to complain about coaches and/or your quarterback. But be careful, getting caught will result in a hefty fine!

Tom Brady Mode:

Do your best to pretend that you still care about football as you go home and have sex with Gisele Bundchen.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 02 August 2010 20:08

We take you through the top fantasy creatures and picks you should make in your draft in the coming weeks. Should you take a dragon with the number one overall pick again, or has a Yeti moved into position to become the anchor of your fantasy team? We look at every fantasy monster, creature, and just plain fantasy to see where they should rank in this year's draft.

Giant feet, meaning great kickers. But you never want to invest a draft pick too high on a kicker. These guys can’t do much else on the field due to their small stature. Don't pick one higher than 10.

This fantasy creature seems like a great addition to your team on the outside, he can grant you any wishes you want, such as to crush last year’s league winner in all head to head matchups. But in addition to that power comes the annoying sight gags and comedic awfulness of a way past his prime Robin Williams. If you can sit through that all season long, good luck. But I’ll avoid rehashes of awful comedies like Jack and Patch Adams.

Sure, it’s a new year, and every team seems like they have a shot with everyone tied at 0-0. Yes, maybe your team wins a game or two in the first month. But by the halfway point, the Lions will still be the Lions and the Bills will still be the Bills. This fantasy is great to have, and some of us get to live it all the way to the postseason, where our dreams are crushed. But others get to just get the crushing out of the way early.

These players are so streaky, you should really pick them that highly. They only turn into the highly aggressive and quick werewolves when it’s a full Moon. That happens maybe once a month. The rest of the time they are a just a shirtless pretty boy who can’t do much on the field. Don’t be on Team Jacob on draft day.

Everyone always picks the Houston Texans as a wildcard team in the AFC, but you have a better chance of spotting Bigfoot in your back yard. Don’t make this trendy pick. Let them slide down the draft board a bit and go with a team with at least a better recent track record such as a Cincinnati or a New York Jets.

Everyone is super high on vampires this year, as they are all the rage with kids thanks to Twilight and with fans of nudity thanks to HBO’s True Blood. But that is precisely the reason why they are ripe for failure. Sell high on vampires, and stay away from them on draft day. They will struggle in day games and are one stake in the chest or garlic necklace away from a trip to the disabled list.

Possibly the most fantastical and mythical of all the picks on this list, every guy wants his girl to be into sports and particularly football as much as they are. But if it should ever happen, do you want to risk your masculinity and have her calling out statistics and facts that make you feel like an American trying to figure out how cricket works? Don’t risk it. Let her watch Real Housewives on Sundays. Plus they never look this good in a jersey, just stick to looking at the NFL Shop catalogue to see how a girl looks in that Romo Jersey.

A freaking unicorn is an unstoppable returning threat, as it can both outrun a normal man, and gore those who get in its way. Look for numbers that look they are straight out a videogame with this fantasy player. But not from Madden NFL 11, instead, straight out of My Little Pony Magical Adventures.

What he lacks in depth perception, he makes up for in bruising size and strength. Look for Cyclops to be the steal of this year’s draft, as the anchor of a power running game. He might not be able to move much side to side, but between the tackles there is no one better.

Look, despite not being capable of breathing fire or casting magic spells, Chris Johnson will get you the most fantasy points this season. While many may go for a dragon in the first round, with the way fantasy scoring is set up, runningbacks will always score better than dragons. Deal with it. Make Chris Johnson your number one pick.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 01 July 2010 18:24
TSC Theatre Presents: GM Of Knicks Unhappy With What Wife Brought Home From Free Agent Market

New York Knicks president Donnie Walsh waited patiently at the house as his wife came back from the first day of the open free agent market. When she arrived with the groceries, he followed her into the kitchen to see what she brought home.

Donnie - "Hi honey, what did you pick up today at the market?"

Wife - "Well, I got you some of your favorites here, I got you a Chris Bosh and a Joe Johnson!"

Donnie - "A Joe Johnson! Honey you shouldn't have!"

He rushes over to see what else is in the bag and begins pulling out his new players. But then he sees something and looks surprised.

Donnie - "Whoa, what in the hell is this? A Richard Jefferson?! Why would you buy one of these?"

Wife - "Look, we have a little extra cap room this year, I didn't think it would hurt. And as we were checking out Little Billy saw him sitting there and really wanted one...You know how he can be. I just threw it in the basket!"

Donnie - "Damn it woman, Gregg Popovich has been telling everyone at the office how these Richard Jeffersons are pieces of junk! Very unreliable, always breaking down...and now we have one! I hope you got the extended warranty!"

Wife - "I...I...didn't..."

Donnie - "Oh my god, I need a Carlos Boozer...I hope you at least got a six pack of that..."

Wife - "Oh, the Carlos Boozer...I knew I forgot something!"

Donnie - "What? You know I like to relax after a long day at the office with an ice cold Carlos Boozer! Well did they have any of what I sent you there for? Did they have any LeBron James?"

Wife - "No...they were sold out."

Donnie - "Sold out! I told you to pre-order that thing on launch day! First the iPhone 4, now this! All the other GM's are going to laugh at me!"

Wife - "I was told they might have more stock of LeBron Jameses in 6 years or so..."

Donnie - "I don't want a LeBron James in 6 years, I want one now! He's going to be all old and washed up in 6 years! This is the last time I send you to the free agent market alone...but at least we have a little cap room left."

Wife - "About that..."

Donnie - "What else did you buy? Another purse? A new pair of shoes?!"

Wife - "I got a...Shaq..."

She pulls Shaq out of the paper bag, and he waves at Donnie Walsh. 

Donnie - "A Shaq?!?!?! No one wants him! What am I going to do with him?!"

Wife - "Well...he's not for you or the Knicks...he's for me..."

Shaq - "I'm gonna show her the Shaqtus."

Shaq takes her by the hand and leads her out of the kitchen, while Donnie stands there, mouth agape.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 January 2009 15:35

Barack Obama will take office Tuesday, and there have been many festivities and speeches featuring sports figures in honor of the new President. Tiger Woods, Mohammad Ali, and others have given speeches in the days leading up to the event, to talk about African-American accomplishments and their love for the country. We here at TSC attempted to gather all the sporting figures inauguration speeches in one place:

  • Washington Nationals: The entire team gave a rousing speech in front of Nationals Park vowing that they will try to win one of their 162 games this season, in honor of Barack Obama. "This city is going through big changes, and we want to have some big changes as well, and it starts with finally getting some number other than 0 in the win column," said Manager Manny Acta. He was quick to remind Obama that they said they are going to try to get a win, but with their talent there are no guarantees.

  • George Foreman: In a taped message he aired at 3 AM on a local channel, he said Obama's triumphant victory reminded him of the time he came back from retirement to overcome Michael Moorer and win the title at age 45. He also said that Barack is ready to "knock out the fat" in Washington, and to celebrate he is releasing a limited edition Obama Funnel Cake Fryer. This special fryer removes up to 5% of the fat in conventional funnel cakes, making them have just under 2000 calories per serving. He then said that if you were a true Obama fan, or a fan of fried dough, you should order immediately, as supplies are limited.
  • Michael Vick: Vick made a speech in the prison lunch room, despite representatives from Barack Obama specifically asking him not to do so. He told his fellow inmates that the President's inspiring breaking of the race barrier made him recall a similar underdog incident in his life. He once had a black pitbull named Shitblood, and people said Shitblood would never be able to compete against the stronger white pitbulls. But in his first dog fighting match he overcame all the prejudice against blacks and conquered his white foe. Shitblood then bit into the whie dog's stomach and ate his intestines. Afterward, he was sold to a Korean restaurant that was, apparently, looking for a pet. But Michael Vick said, "the point of the story is to tell Obama that if any conservatives ever get in his face about financial or education policy, he should kill them and eat their internal organs."
  • BCS Officials: Representatives from the BCS went on the record as saying that they understand Barack's stance on wanting a playoff to determine the champion. But they went on to say that his election is proof that a major underdog can overcome stacked odds and triumph, just like in the BCS system. "All a team needs to do is go undefeated, and then hope that every other team in the 6 major conferences has at least 3 losses, and hope that one of those teams isn't USC, Florida, or Ohio State, as they will get votes regardless. But as long as that happens, it's entirely possible to have a Barack sized upset in our great bowl system."
  • Oklahoma City Thunder: The NBA's Thunder said that they would like to offer Barack a roster spot, if this whole President of the United States thing doesn't work out. They were very impressed by the Youtube video of him making a basket, and want to learn how to get the rest of their players to do that. They also remind everyone that they are a real NBA franchise, they are not a joke someone made up at the start of the season.

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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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