"I'm out here, playing this basketball stuff, and all I can think about is my teammates back at the medical center who I'm not there to give support to."

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Read more: Greg Oden Might Not Be Unhealthy Enough To Start Season In Hospital

Michael Jordan's comments on Monday and Magic Johnson's today, that they would never have even thought about switching teams to combine their talents with another NBA superstar, have caused quite a buzz amongst those in sports media. But one star is coming out to remind everyone that he would have played with anyone, any time, and anywhere to win a world title.

Christian Laettner, the player who bounced around between 6 NBA teams over the course of his 13-year NBA career, says he would have gladly played with Bird, Magic, or Jordan.

"I don't know what all this fuss is about not wanting to play with other stars," said Laettner in an interview. "I bounced around between so many horrible teams, I was salivating at any chance to win. I played for the Timberwolves, Hawks, and Wizards for Pete's sake! If I could have been Bird's water boy, I would have left one of those teams immediately to go to the Celtics."

"It wouldn't even need to be a superstar I left to go play for, I just want people to like me. If you've got a decent team of guys at the gym after work, give me a call. If you're playing NBA 2K11 on Playstation and need someone to be the second player, let me know."

"It doesn't even have to be basketball! If you're throwing a birthday party and need someone to play a large dinosaur in a suit, please call 1-800-LAETTNER! Unlike those other selfish superstars, I will be a part of any team!"

Laettner then proceeded to apologize to any superstars he may have offended, saying he wanted to still be invited if they should ever have a pickup game, or just want to watch a romantic comedy together, or something like that. Whatever it is superstars do.

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"LeBron, we're coming too," began a second letter from Cleveland Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert. Only hours after he sent a scathing personal letter to fans of the Cavs and media outlets, telling LeBron James how he let down the organization and his home, Gilbert announced the entire city has had a change of heart and will be relocating with him to Miami.

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier! You are so right, this place is a stinking cesspool of filth! We don't want to be here either," he continued. "Today we had a big talk today in the center of the city, all 2,250,871 of us, and we agree that it's time we moved on. This land in Northern Ohio has been good to us, but we can do bigger and better things in South Florida. I hear they have women down there that wear bikinis all year long! And they have women who aren't from Ohio, and hence one would actually want to see in a bikini!"

The residents of Cleveland seem to be genuinely excited about the move. Many began packing up the skyscrapers today, to begin transporting them all the way down to Miami. They are looking forward to the beaches, the latin food, and the lack of state taxes. Highways from Ohio to Florida are expected to be jammed in the coming months, as they hope to all arrive before the season begins.

"We're brining everyone; poor people, rich people, all our stadiums, we're just gonna transplant it all down there, set it up right in the middle of town, and watch our new Miami Heat win multiple NBA championships with the best trio ever assembled in LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, and Chris Bosh."

It's unknown at this point what will happen to the Cavaliers, who now find themselves without a superstar, without an owner, without any fans, and even without a city to call home.

"Well, we'll probably just play on one of the many abandoned streets after they move all the buildings and infrastructure down the Miami," said new coach Byron Scott. "I'm gonna be honest...not so happy I took this job in retrospect... I currently have eight guys on my roster, and we're going to be playing in an empty field or street next year."

Miami has already put up two big billboards, one saying welcome to LeBron James, and the other saying welcome to the two million residents of Cleveland who will be joining them soon. The mayor of Miami said he believes that with the residents of Cleveland and Miami joining forces, they can put together a championship city.

 

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The New York Knicks have decided it's not too early to start preparing once again to make a run at LeBron James. Team president Donnie Walsh announced immediately after "The Decision" was made to go to the Miami Heat, that they had cut new signee Amar'e Stoudamire in an effort to make cap space available for LeBron James in 2016.

The team has long been speculated to have dumped salary and good players over the last 5 years to be able to land LeBron this summer, but he seemed largely uninterested in their advances. Now they are getting ready to do it all over again.

"We will not stop until he is where he belongs in New York," said Walsh. "We will take a 33 year old LeBron on this team, we don't care if his skills are diminished to nothingness. And if we don't get him in 2016, we'll wait six more years and try for 39 year old LeBron. I have already cleared as much cap as possible so that he will have a place on this team by then."

Indeed, the Knicks have cut all their players effective immediately, so they can slowly burn off whatever cap hits they might take. They will be forced to forfeit all games for the next six years, but they and their fans think it's worth it.

"Knowing this team, we'll probably win as many games forfeiting every one, as we would have playing them," said Knicks fan Spike Lee.

But they're not the only team getting ready to pursue LeBron James again. The Los Angeles Clippers, after largely being an afterthought in the James Lottery, have said they will take a shot at 54 year old LeBron in the year 2038.

"We know by then no one else will want him and we will finally have a real shot at this great player," said the Clippers team president. "There were some great babies born this year that are going to be a part of the 2038 Clippers team, and we are going to be ready with the cap space to pair them with you LeBron. We are going to beat everyone else to the punch by getting started right now on wooing him. We've already scheduled reservations at a very fancy L.A. steakhouse that hasn't even opened yet."

LeBron James has already announced a 3 hour special for the year 2038 where he will announce his decision on ESPN 5D.

 

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Mary Watkins of Billings, Montana told the local paper today that she is hopeful she will win tonight's LeBron James lottery.

 

"I am told he'll make his decision tonight on who he'll be signing with, and it could be anybody" said Mrs. Watkins in a phone interview. "I don't know anything about him or basketball, but I've always wanted to own a black man, and everyone seems to think this LeBron James is the best one of those. I can't wait! I can't believe he's just going to sign with anybody live on national TV! This is so exciting!"

Mary, is a well known racist in Billings, who has tried repeatedly to order a black person from shopping website Amazon.com, only to have two accounts closed by their customer service department. She also is the only member of the town's White History Month committee, responsible for creating events that celebrate the struggles of the caucasian people.

When asked why she should be favored over the Miami Heat, Cleveland Cavaliers, or New York Knicks for LeBron, she cited her delicious lemonade recipe she promises to make for him every day if he completes his farm work. She also said that he wouldn't have to work with so many scary black people at her house, like he would on an NBA team.

When LeBron was asked for comment on Mrs. Watkins hope to purchase him into slavery he said "Who knows where I'm going to sign! It could be with this whacked out white lady! You'll have to tune in tonight at 9PM, only on ESPN, to find out!"

 

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The NBA talk shows and websites have been abuzz the past several months with where exactly LeBron James will end up next season. That buzz has only intensified over the course of the last several weeks, as we come down to the wire on a time when he will have to make his decision. But one team has quietly used all that publicity to make a big move that will surely shake up the NBA next year.

The Milwaukee Bucks announced today that while every other team is bickering and fighting over LeBron James, they have secretly signed all 42 other NBA free agents. The move doesn't ensure they will have the best team next year, but certainly the largest.

"We have won the free agency game," said GM John Hammond in a press conference today. "Paul Pierce? Got him. Dirk Nowitzki? He's ours. Chris Bosh? He's one of our 11 centers we now have on this roster. Everyone was out there trying to lure in LeBron, and we snuck in and got everyone else! The power is ours!"

He then let out a loud prolonged supervillain laugh and disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

The move puts the Bucks at well over the roster limit with 51 active players on their roster, and offering everyone lucrative enough contracts to come immediately means their payroll is at around $500 million dollars. But Hammond isn't worried, saying he is just happy they won free agency, and he's sure they can figure out all the numbers later.

It was unknown how Dwyane Wade, LeBron James, and Chris Bosh would work together on the Miami Heat if they were to end up there, but it's even more unknown how the 2 dozen superstars on the Bucks will be able to co-exist. It's predicted each player will only see about 4-6 minutes per game, even if they are a starter.

"One thing's for sure, we're gonna have a great bench," said Hammond. "Well, I guess I should say benches, or on second thought I'll probably need to buy us some bleachers for the sideline."

One lucky fan was even able to capitalize on the Bucks willingness to sign any free agent. Nick Davies, an Apple Store employee from Milwaukee is now a member of the roster after a little deception. "So I was just walking by their offices at the arena, and I saw a sign saying "Welcome Free Agents". I went in, put my name down, and sure enough I'm now making $3 million dollars next year to play Power Forward! I'm only 5 foot 4! I love it!"

The NBA is still reviewing the legitimacy of the 42 free agent pickups.

 

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Kobe Bryant silenced his critics this past weekend by winning his first NBA Championship without the help of Rick Fox. After being in Fox's shadow for his previous 3 NBA titles, many critics believed that Kobe would never be able to enter into the great player conversation without winning one on his own.

Even when they won three championships back to back to back from 2000-2002, most of the credit for the wins went to Rick's 7.6 points and 4.3 rebounds per game in those series. Many of the games would have been lost if not for those 7.6 points, especially game four of the 2002 series where they narrowly beat New Jersey 103.6-103.

Fox has often taunted Bryant for his inability to win without him, from the sets of soap operas and Tyler Perry movies where Fox is now. But now he gives his due to the man who finally proved he could carry a team alone.

"Kobe really proved he had the heart of a lion out there," said Fox. "It was almost as powerful a performance as my upcoming one in Tyler Perry's Heart Of A Lion, where I suffer a horrible car crash and have to get my heart replaced with that of a lion. It's only then that I discover the true meaning of family and religion."

"I mean, I think it's obvious now that Bryant sweats passion. Hopefully when he does work up a sweat, he's already put on my new cologne, Scent Of A Fox. It keeps you smelling fresh when you're facing a tough triple team of foul odor." Add a comment

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