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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 08 September 2010 11:03

Michael-Michelle Johnson found itself holding yet another U.S. Open championship cup above its head yesterday in Flushing Meadows. Johnson, who may be the most dominant athlete of any sport in history, claimed a 234th straight intergender tennis title, making even Roger Federer's accomplishments look tame.

While the men's and women's divisions in tennis get most of the press, Johnson has quietly carved out a career for the ages. It has yet to play another actual opponent, spending most of his/her practice time hitting against a wall, but was nonetheless proud of yet another victory. It was a tearful scene on the illustrious court 52, as it got another trophy.

"I want to thank my parents, my coach, and god," said Michael-Michelle after the win. "I also want to say thank you to Finotech for providing me with all the hormonal changing drugs, as well as Doctor George Willborough, for performing many sex changing operations on me. You guys have all made my career what it is today, and  you are the best."

The USTA is looking to rejuvenate the transgender tour by getting some serious American competition trained at their youth centers around the country.

"We have some promising young talent out there," said USTA director Mark Fine. "They are probably not good enough to ever compete on the men's or women's tours, but with a few snips and some drugs, I'm sure they could be in the top ten transgender players in the world. All we need is for their parents to sign a waiver, and we'll shape them into champions."

The move to train youth into the transgender program is a big change of direction for the USTA after they attempt for the past few years to force Serena Williams into the division. That was of course thwarted when she went into the office of then-director James Gault and showed him point blank that she was in fact a woman.

Gault gave a speech a day later, saying that her vagina was quite possibly the scariest thing he had ever seen, and requested doctors remove his eyes so that he could never see something like it again. He then immediately retired from his position, and now lives along in Thailand, the exact other side of the world from Serena Williams, in hopes of never running into her again.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 23 August 2010 21:02

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin Nordegren officially finalized their divorce today, nine months after he wrecked his car in the middle of the night and his serial infidelity was revealed to the world at large.

In a joint statement released by the couple, they said: "We are amicably separating for the good of our children, and are ready to move forward with our lives. This will be a difficult time for the both of us, and we hope that through privacy we will be able to settle into our new roles as joint parents.

"We also want to announce that there will be a party the size and scale of which will blow your freaking brains through your ass, tonight at Tiger's new bachelor pad in Orlando, FL. Elin would like me to give her back control of the keyboard so we can both agree on the rest of this joint statement, but she can suck it...not literally...that will be done by a multitude of random women too young to drink, starting tonight at 11:00 PM. Be there! It's time to celebrate my freedom from the shackles of this golf club wielding mad woman!

"This is Elin. I have had Tiger removed from the lawyer's office by police. I hope whoever attends this party rots in hell. This might be the worst joint separation statement of all time. I'm going back to Sweden to find a nice man who wants to be with a past her prime supermodel with two kids...Oh, and who now has 100 million dollars. Suck on that Tiger."

Woods went on to give more details on the party later in the day through his agent. He says it has been a trying couple of months, trying to play a sport as boring as golf, and not being able to sleep with various floozies a couple times a day. But, he adds that now he can get back to sinking putts and sinking himself into college-age bartenders once more.

To attend tonight's massive party you must meet the following requirements:

  • Be a hot lady
  • Not be from a Northern European country
  • Not talk about Tiger's kids
  • Not talk about golf
  • Not be able to swing a golf club with enough force to break an SUV window
  • No fatties



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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 16 August 2010 11:51

Dustin Johnson has cancelled his family's trip to Miami Beach next week, afraid it may turn out to be another secret bunker. After grounding his club cost him a chance at the playoff at the PGA Championship over the weekend with a two-stroke penalty, he is taking no chances. After watching Bubba Watson and Martin Kaymer go on to compete in a playoff, he was noticeably skeptical.

"I don't want this vacation to come back and cost me a major in the future," said Johnson. "There is a lot of sand there, that's the first danger sign this could be a sand trap in disguise. I was sure to read all the posted rules this time about Miami Beach; stay near the shore, no lifeguard on duty, don't litter. But I'm still not confident about going there..."

Johnson has also removed the sandbox from his backyard, telling his kids not to enjoy holes of dirt, because they may come back to ruin your dreams one day.

He says the family will now instead go to Disney World, where his caddy will accompany them to carry his clubs the entire vacation and make sure none of them touch the ground.

"This is the worst penalty I've had from not reading the rules, since the first tournament I entered was stripped from me after I found out you aren't allowed to just walk up and drop the golf ball in the hole," continued Johnson. "I thought I was a pretty good junior player back then to get 18 holes in one, but turns out I should have read the rulebook a little more extensively."


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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 July 2010 15:11

Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands vowed on Monday that her land would not be embarrassed anymore by cephalopods, after a psychic octopus correctly picked Spain over the Netherlands in the World Cup final. She immediately announced open season on the fishing and hunting of octopus in the surrounding waters.

"This is the last time we are humiliated by an octopus!" said the Queen. "The time our country elected someone's pet squid as Prime Minister back in the 90s was rather bad, but this takes the cake. Yes, letting Oily the Squid run our country for 4 years wasn't the best decision we made as a nation, but it only resulted in massive unemployment, debt, and a conversion to a fish based economy. But this is the World Cup!"

Common people around the country have begun heading to the seas to hunt these creatures to extinction. The government is now providing a subsidy on any octopi harvested over the next few weeks. They have even applied to have the psychic octopus extradited to the Netherlands to stand trial for "being a dick", apparently a crime in the land of the Dutch.

The Queen has also said that all octopi with a license in psychic practices are no longer allowed to do business in her country. It's unknown how many business that truly affects, but estimates put fish psychology industry at 12% of the Dutch economy.

"They will be made an example of," continued the Queen. "That you can not just lazily sit in a fishtank all day and decide the fate of entire nations! I will not be satisfied until I am dining on an octopus, cooked in a pot made of hardened octopus skin, being served to me by a waiter wearing shoes made of tentacles, while sitting upon a chair upholstered in octopi leather."

 

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Written by Matt Webb Monday, 12 July 2010 13:53

2010’s version of the World Cup is now complete and the club from Spain outlasted the Netherlands and all other contenders to hoist the trophy for the first time in their country’s history. The tournament that was marked by a breathtaking display of professional flopping and feigned injuries not seen since. . .well since the 2006 World Cup, and the final match, resulting in Spain’s 1-0, victory was the perfect culmination of an entire month of staged pratfalls and exaggerated pain that soccer fans had grown accustomed to over the years.

Following their victory, the Spanish team took to the stage to accept their trophy. They appeared, to those who didn’t know any better, to be sincerely overcome with joy as manufactured tears streamed down their cheeks.

Spain’s coach Vicente del Bosque Gonzalez took to the microphone to accept the trophy and congratulate his team on their performance.  “Never have I been more proud of a group of grown men who fall straight to the ground at the slightest hint of contact and who then flail around like they have just severed an appendage.  These guys are the best in the world.  But I must give credit to the Dutch team as well, they played a great match and put on a great show.  I know if I weren’t a professional coach who understands the art of flopping, I might have believed that a few of their players were truly injured and in incredible pain.”

The player of the game had to be Spanish midfielder Andrés Iniesta, who not only scored the winning goal, but flopped a game leading 9 times. It was announced shortly before the award ceremony that not only did he win the MVP award, but also was nominated for a Primetime Emmy in the United States for best leading actor in a flop.

“This is a big moment for me,” said Iniesta, sporting a huge, unbelievable smile. “I have prepared for this celebration my whole life, starting from the time I was a little boy pretending to fall and roll around in pain whenever a girl pushed me.  All my years of overreacting has led me to this.  I couldn’t even lie on my pillow and pretend to sleep last night, I just kept standing in front of the mirror practicing my excited faces, and now its finally paid off.”

"I also want to thank those in America for the Primetime Emmy nomination. To be put up against the likes of Jay Mohr for his awful sitcom Gary Unmarried, I have never seen a show flop so hard. It really fills me with pride."

When questioned regarding the authenticity of the tears welling up in his eyes, the star confirmed they were indeed staged, but added “Crying on cue isn’t easy. Most people think you can just grab a diced onion or some mined garlic, but those items aren’t readily available on a soccer pitch. But I learned that if you reach into your shorts and rip out a handful of pubes while no one is looking, it makes the tears flow much easier.”

After the seemingly heartfelt words of their coach and star player, the Spanish team left the podium at which time their smiles faded and their tears of joy immediately dried up.

 

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 07 July 2010 22:02
The media learned today that Lance Armstrong and other men are currently riding bikes around France in some sort of secret race. Due to all the disdain for cycling in America due to repeated controversies, and the thought that Armstrong is a longshot to win this year, apparently no one realized this race was taking place.

"I remember once we actually cared about cycling for a week every year," said Gary Thorne, producer at ESPN. "But I can't for the life of me remember why, or what this thing in France is called...I think it's some kind of bicycle tour where they show people around the countryside? Maybe eating cheese is involved? I think there's also something to do with a guy who only has one ball too... I just don't care enough about this thing to remember, especially with news of LeBron James to discuss."

The United States military is looking into the secret race, with a spokesman saying that the Pentagon does not like any covert events taking place in Europe or Asia. It is said they have top officials scouring the deepest regions of basic and extended cable to try and find our information on the race, but it has so far turned up very little.

The government is also following up leads on where the World Cup vanished to on American TV after the U.S. lost two weeks ago. They say both issues will be found, and more information will be released to the general public when they have it.

 

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Written by Matt Webb Tuesday, 29 June 2010 22:54
The rulings have been questionable, the criticism has been harsh, and the call for change has reached vuvuzela pitch in South Africa. Since its inception FIFA has refused to stray far from its roots; choosing to keep its advancing clock, its limited substitution rules, and its nut-hugging, European-style shorts. FIFA has even successfully thwarted off a strong American push to either change the official name of the sport to soccer or to switch to a more oblong ball. The organization has never felt the sort of pressure that it has faced during this year’s World Cup, and the calls for Instant Replay continue to come. Always the contrarian group, sources have confirmed that FIFA officials will instead announce that, beginning with the 2014 World Cup, they will add something they are calling "Instant Reenactment" to the beautiful game.

“We understand the need for review when a decisive call is in doubt,” confirmed a FIFA official who refused to be named.  “Our desire is to balance the need for limited review while still preserving the integrity of the game. We have found a way to preserve that human element by utilizing Instant Reenactment.”  According to the official, FIFA has already began the process of hiring a group of Civil War enthusiasts and teaching them basic soccer skills. After four years of training with the best coaches and professional actors, the hope is that the group will be proficient enough to reenact questionable calls.  FIFA’s plan is to allow each team one challenge per half. Once a play is challenged, the referee will call for the FIFA International Reenactment Troupe who will perform a reenactment of the controversial play between the North and the South. After viewing the reenactment from an optimum position, the official can choose to confirm or overrule his previous call.   

Due to its vast network of insiders, TSC was able to gain exclusive access to the training site of the troupe in a remote location in the mountains of Virginia. The actors were hard at worked and seemed excited about the chance to star on the world stage in front of millions of fans. “As horrible as soccer officiating is, we know both teams will be using all their challenges. That’s four improvisational skits per match that we need to be ready for.” said John Fulsom, a General in the Union’s 8th Regiment and one of the trainers of the players. “We look at this as a way to help FIFA correct its reputation for game-altering mistakes, while bringing recognition to the American Civil War. People don’t realize that soccer was big with the Union troops.  Lincoln personally loved the game, and the Union troops used to play matches during downtimes using defective cannonballs. Of course the games were low-scoring and they had to replace the goalies after every shot.”



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Written by Tim Hoffman Saturday, 26 June 2010 10:42


After a disappointing loss to Ghana in the round of 16 at the World Cup, an infuriated United States immediately declared war on the country that ousted them 2-1 in extra time.

"America was so close to getting into soccer," said President Barack Obama. "After that exciting last minute win over Algeria we were all in Landon Donovan and...that goalkeeper guy that wears the different shirt. We almost knew two soccer players names at one time! But then Ghana comes in an destroys that dream. They will pay for this, our army will make sure of that!"

But the military action may prove more difficult than originally thought, as no one seems to know where the country of Ghana is on a map, nor had they heard of it before this World Cup. Senior Pentagon officials subpoenaed game prep documents from the soccer game's announcers and were able to surmise it's in Africa, but it will take some time to pinpoint the exact location for an invasion.

"I don't know where this country is, but we're gonna just take the navy over there, and drive around until we find it," said one General who asked to remain nameless. "I'm sure there will be a sign or something in the ocean telling us where it is. Once we find them, we're gonna lay the hammer down with the full power of our military might!"

"I tried to get the President to authorize me to finish the job Bush started in destroying New Orleans, after they beat my Jets in the Super Bowl, but he wouldn't allow it. I'm glad he's finally come around to realize sports revenge is a necessity. They may have beat us in a soccer game, but we'll see who still has a country not in smoldering ruins come next week..."

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Written by Tim Hoffman Sunday, 14 June 2009 22:19
Visitors to ESPN.com were shocked this morning when an editing snafu landed a horrific headline onto the front page of their website. At approximately 6:34 AM, a story appeared about a player from the WNBA's Minnesota Lynx missing the rest of the season. The article was published and available for just anyone to see who came onto that front page.

ESPN began receiving calls at their main offices around 6:37 with irate men screaming about how they had been exposed to a story relating to the WNBA.

"I come to your site because I want sports news," said fan Gerald Perkins. "But I go there this morning, and you assault my eyes and ears with something about the WNBA! It made me sick inside! That kind of stuff should only be allowed in the wee hours overnight. What if my kids had stumbled upon this website? I don't want them exposed to the WNBA!"

ESPN responded quickly by pulling the article, deleting their entire section on the WNBA, and firing the web editor responsible for the mixup. Apparently he was trying to publish a story about Women's Volleyball, which is a fan favorite on the site due to the fact they all wear bikinis, and none of them look like giants. But he selected the wrong choice from the dropdown menu, and the WNBA headline snuck in there.

The staffer says he definitely deserved the firing, and appologizes to anyone who took the time to read this horrific headline.
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Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 12 June 2009 17:06

A man is serving jailtime tonight after his friends called 911 when they discovered they had been invited over to his apartment to watch soccer. He had invited them over to watch "the game" starting? at 8:00, which they assumed would be the thrilling game seven of the Stanley Cup Finals. But after arriving and having some beer and nachos, they were horrified when he turned on the TV to his Soccer Premiere Pass sports package.

It was a contest between two teams from some place called Europe, and the situation got worse from there as the partygoers realized what they were watching on the screen. Many began to scream, an angry man threw a stool at the 56 inch television, and a woman tried to gauge out her own eyes with a guacamole dip serving spoon.

Someone was smart enough to dial 911 in all the chaos, and police arrived at the scene within minutes. They broke down the door and stormed the apartment, as people ran for safety from the terror inside. They neutralized the party host with a tazer, and had the bomb squad detonate the cable box that contained the subscription to the Soccer Premiere Pass outside. They hope that will ensure it can never hurt anyone again.

The host is now in jail, awaiting sentencing. He is accused of 14 counts of attempted soccer exhibition, 10 counts of sports party trickery, and 1 count of manslaughter via guacamole spoon. Add a comment

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The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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