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Written by Brett Lay Wednesday, 01 September 2010 06:41

The Washington Nationals announced in a conference call this morning that phenom rookie pitcher Stephen Strasburg’s mutant right arm has lost its powers due to recent sunspot activity.

Nationals GM Mike Rizzo said Strasburg realized there was a problem when he could no longer summon the powers of a Norse god of thunder to fling baseballs at his normal average speed of several hundred miles an hour in a recent practice.

“As anyone who has had mutant powers granted to them and then taken away by a freak act of nature can tell you, it’s a traumatic experience. Just ask Cyclops or Wolverine,” Rizzo told reporters. “But he is fully committed to doing whatever he has to do to rehab and get back out there, because lord knows, we need him,” Rizzo continued between slow sobs at the mic. “Who knew that his weakness was random bursts of electromagnetic energy? We just assumed it would be drugs and alcohol, like the other red-blooded ball players we have on this team.”

Strasburg has been a rare ray of hope for these Nationals, who have spent the last several seasons perfecting their record of complete futility. The loss of Strasburg will be a big shock not only to this city, but also to his fellow players.

Truly morale was low in DC, as we asked and some of the residents threw in their 2 cents worth.

  • “Yeah, Strasburg was awesome. Not sure what we’re going to do now.” – Greg, street vendor
  • “If you ask me, I saw it coming. I can’t tell you how often the genetically enhanced mutant protectors of our national pastime come through here, raising hopes, but then fizzle out before any substance can be provided.” – Mara, food services
  • “We have a baseball team? I didn’t know that. Give me your wallet.” – Stitches, unemployed

“We were just getting in the swing of things, too,” Ryan Zimmerman, the Nationals 3rd baseman, stated to the swarm of reporters. “Ivan was just starting to learn how to block the plate like a real catcher, the janitor they brought in who was competing for the 1st base spot with Dunn had just barely gotten edged out, and we had just learned how to pronounce Nyjer’s name. I even thought we might win a game this year. What a rip.”

The Washington Post reported Strasburg will get a second opinion from Verðandi, a norn that once treated Thor himself when he had to have Tommy John’s surgery in 652 B.C.

“I’m no quitter, that’s for sure,” said Strasburg as he was loading Pegasus for the long trip to Valhalla for his evaluation. “Now that I’m temporarily a normal human, sort of like that dude in Superman 2, I have to be careful. It seems I can no longer smash through walls or melt things with my heat vision. But I’m not giving up on this season that easily, no sir, I’ll be back.”

At that point he mounted his steed and swiftly flew from sight into the sunset.

We can only hope for the National’s sake that he gets his powers back.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 31 August 2010 06:27

The Los Angeles Dodgers phoned the Boston Red Sox today to tell them they finally pulled a prank equal to the one done to them 3 years ago when they got Manny Ramirezed. The Dodgers famously fell for a classic Manny Ramirez, one of the most popular juvenile pranks, when they took Manny off waivers from Boston in 2007.

He went on to let minor injuries hamper his play until he finally fell out of favor with LA, and left the same way he was let go from Boston. But the hilarity ensued as the Dodgers phoned the White Sox to tell them they were placing Manny Ramirez on waivers.

"Yeah, the White Sox totally fell for the oldest trick in the book!" said coach Joe Torre as he talked to Theo Epstein. "I had to stifle the laughter as I told Ozzie Guillen I had a possible future hall of fame player who could help his team get in the playoffs this year. The fool actually went for it! He actually thinks Manny can help their team get to the playoffs!

"I put Manny in a box and sent him next day delivery via UPS immediately! These suckers aren't going to know what hits them when they open up this package!"

While this is only the latest most famous trick, a Manny Ramirezing is a common prank for kids. Many people have been called by children, asking if their refrigerator is running...and also if they would like to pick up Manny Ramirez off waivers.

If they should be foolish enough to say yes, they are then sent the troublesome player who proceeds to bring down the morale of their entire household. He refuses to run out ground balls, take out the trash, clean his hair and pine tar out of the bathtub after a shower, or play a day game of dominoes after a night game.

Eventually, the family has no choice but to place Manny on waivers in their front yard until a neighbor picks him up in a truck and takes him to their team.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 28 July 2010 18:59

It's been a wild season of pitching this year in Major League Baseball, with five no hitters and two perfect games so far this year, but yesterday's events may just be the icing on the cake. Only 24 hours after Matt Garza tossed the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history, teen singing sensation Justin Bieber was on hand to throw out the first pitch at the Cincinnati Reds game.

But Bieber's pitch looked so unhittable, manager Dusty Baker decided to just leave him in there for the rest of the game.

"He had a no-hitter going after that first pitch, you can't take a pitcher out when he's got something going like that," said Baker after the game. "That first pitch was so unlike anything I've ever seen before. It couldn't even reach the plate, it sort of bounced off the ground and then way over the catcher's head. I knew no one could come close to hitting something so horrible, so I told the kid he was staying in there to finish this thing."

Pitching in street clothes, Bieber baffled the Milwaukee Brewers for 8 dazzling innings, who were likely so confused by the turn of events they couldn't concentrate on hitting the ball.

"Wow, my daughter isn't going to believe I was struck out by Justin 3 times in one game," said All-Star Prince Fielder. "I couldn't hit a home run off that kid, despite the fact the couple balls that he managed to get to the plate were right in my zone. My daughter wouldn't have spoken to me for a year!"

Bieber's agent was happy with the performance of his client, but furious at Baker's mismanagement.

"Obviously he should have been pulled after that first pitch," said the agent, Saul Washington. "Justin is supposed to be on a pitch count! We talked to Dusty beforehand and he said that count would be one, maybe two pitches. This kid has a bright future ahead of symbolic athletic honors before games. I want him to be able to sing a national anthem, toss a coin, or wave a flag at a NASCAR event. Now his whole career could be in jeopardy."

Bieber was backed up by some stellar defense behind him to pick up the no hitter, but it really served to highlight that indeed anyone can pitch a perfect game this year.

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Written by Matt Webb Tuesday, 27 July 2010 22:34

Major League Baseball announced today that the Baltimore Orioles have agreed to an assignment to the AA Eastern League for the remainder of the 2010 season.

The Orioles, who are currently in last place in the American League East Division and who lay claim to the worst record in Major League Baseball, will be replaced in the majors by their promising minor league affiliate, the Bowie Baysox. The Baysox, who made the AA playoffs as recently as 2008, are currently in second place in the Western Division and are in the midst of a tight battle with the Altoona Curve for the division title.

“I’m not going to lie,” said Orioles interim manager Juan Samuel. “This is going to be a tough pill to swallow. As a team, you just don’t want to ever admit that you’re not the club you once were.

"This is a proud organization that has had its share of success. We’ve won World Series championships and had great Hall of Fame Players like Jim Palmer and Brooks Robinson and Frank Robinson. If you ask me, things started going downhill for us about the time Cal Ripken, Jr. retired and that piece of crap Rafael Palmeiro started making erectile dysfunction commercials and lying to Congress.”

Samuel said the meeting with Bud Selig was strained at times, but ultimately the team understood the League’s position.

“We’ve had our opportunities the last decade and we just haven’t performed," Samuel said. "There comes a time in every team’s career when you have to admit that maybe you aren’t as marketable as you used to be, that maybe your uniforms look dated and your logo just isn’t very cool. When you’re winning that stuff doesn’t matter, but when you’re losing the little things add up.”

“We felt it was time to give one of our younger teams a chance,” Selig said. “The Baysox have shown a lot of promise in the Eastern League this season and we feel at this time they could compete as well, if not better than the Orioles when it comes to playing real Major League teams like the Tampa Bay Rays, the New York Yankees, and the Boston Red Sox.

"Sure they will be overmatched, but frankly so was Baltimore, and this can be a great learning experience for them.”

Selig went on to predict that the move could also work out well for the Orioles, who will get to spend some time playing in a league more suited to their abilities and where they will actually have a legitimate shot to compete for a division championship.

“They have a real chance of a winning record in the Eastern League,” Selig said. “Granted they won’t be the favorites, not against teams like the Trenton Thunder and the New Hampshire Fisher Cats. But if they put in the work and prove they are capable of playing professional baseball at a high level again, then we will be more than happy to welcome them back to the American League East.”

The move is, of course, contingent on the team clearing waivers, but it’s believed no other league would dare pick up such an awful franchise. The NBA laughed at the thought of taking them off waivers, saying that they already had a Memphis Grizzlies franchise they are out of options on. The MLS said they might take a look at the Orioles, as even they are more popular than any team they currently have.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 20 July 2010 20:56

The Vampire Baseball Players Union today released a scathing report about the rash of broken bats taking place at MLB games all across the country. It has reached near epidemic proportions in recent years, with multiple bats per game shattering into dangerous shards of wood.

Vampire Union president Randy Johnson spoke out against the troublesome bats.

"These are an extreme danger to any vampire who may be on the mound," said an irate Johnson. "In all my years of being a creepy, pale, unnatural looking vampire out there on the rubber, I have never seen so many stakes fly right at people. It's just a matter of time before one goes right through someone's heart, and we have a pile of burning clothes where a decent family loving vampire's body used to be."

He went on to call the stakes exploding from bats borderline racist, and asked how African Americans would feel if bats exploded and fried chicken came out. He said clearly the bat manufacturers are designing these things as an insult to Transylvanian-Americans.

Other vampires are weighing in on the matter, such as Eternal Undead Jamie Moyer.

"I've personally had to dodge several of these things over the years," said Moyer. "Luckily I'm older than even the game of baseball, so I've learned how to get away from flying stakes, but I'm worried about these young blood suckers. Between this and all the day games I keep complaining to the schedulers about, it's just dangerous out there for us. Next thing you know they'll be pretending like Sammy Sosa's garlicked bat incident didn't happen."

The Vampire Union says it will wait for a solution from Louisville Slugger, the manufacturers of all MLB bats, but not forever. They then said they could technically wait forever due to their immortality, but would only give them another Twilight movie or two to find fix.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 19 July 2010 19:38

As covered extensively on ESPN, Alex Rodriguez is nearly to a huge milestone in Major League Baseball, providing 600 balls to people with crappy seats at games. Rodriguez, as a relatively poor boy in the Dominican Republic, always had horrible seats to baseball games and vowed to one day become a dominant power hitter to make up for it.

As he hit number 598 over the weekend, the Yankee announcers talked about the generosity of A-Rod.

"Only a few players in history have been this great with giving free souvenirs to poor baseball fans," the announcers stated. "Hank Aaron, Babe Ruth, and of course the super philanthropist Barry Bonds; the man who risked his fertility, health, and size of his testicles to be able to give balls to people who can barely see the batter during the game."

"And Alex still has a few years left, he could wind up as the most charitable slugger of all time," replied the other announcer.

Rodriguez himself has said it was his poor upbringing that has him trying to give out free items to those whose tickets cost less than a beer. He also runs charities on the side like Homers For The Homeless, where he goes out on the streets of New York and hits balls directly at homeless people from a short distance to give them a piece of the game they can keep. His charity has handed out over 1000 balls unofficially, and put over 200 people in the hospital.

How many balls he hands out by the end of his career is anybody's guess, but 600 is quite a milestone, and for those in the outfield, its always exciting when he comes to the plate.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Friday, 16 July 2010 16:30

Another piece of the latest NBA superteam was revealed today down in South Beach. The Miami Heat announced today that they had signed the Milwaukee Brewers Kielbasa to a 4 year dear at the league minimum. It's being seen as a major coup for Miami to get such a strong player at a cheap price, but the Kielbasa's agent said his client took the deal because of the chance to win an NBA championship.

For those who haven't been following the Brewers regular sausage races during home games, the Kielbasa has soundly dominated the competition this year, to the tune of the best record in the open sausage race era. There was a lot of speculation on if he would resign with Milwaukee or field offers from teams like Washington who wanted him to race dead ex-presidents. But he surprised everyone and even switched sports to basketball.

"This is a move I make with a heavy heart," said the anthropomorphic frankfurter. "This city and this team has been very good to me, but I just saw a great opportunity to win a championship down in Miami, and had to jump at it."

Mark Attanasio, owner of the Brewers, wrote a scathing letter to season ticket holders, talking about the betrayal of their franchise sausage.

"This is a day that will forever be remembered as the day Milwaukee's biggest star turned his back on us all. I can not believe that our best player would just leave like this. Obviously, by the product that's out there on the field, no one is coming to see our guys play baseball. They are here to see sausages race. Children are going to be crying in the stands when they realize all they have to look at now is a Chorizo..."

Indeed, things don't bode well for the remaining sausage roster in Milwaukee. Aside from the aforementioned Chorizo they have a Hot Dog, Italian Sausage, and Bratwurst, all minimum salary players who the franchise brought in to surround and support the play of the Kielbasa. ESPN 2's Sausage Tonight took a look at the ramifications of the trade, and said this could be a move that hurts Milwaukee for years to come, as well as virtually assures they will not make the sausage playoffs anytime soon.

Heat president Pat Riley said that the signing gives them the last piece of their puzzle. 

"We had a point guard to run this team in Dwyane Wade, we had a shooter in LeBron James, and we had a big in Chris Bosh. Everyone knows the only other thing you need to win a championship in this league is a strong sausage to fill out your roster. This team just became 50% better, and 200% more delicious."

The Los Angeles Lakers' Beer Brat says Pat Riley's formula is obviously true, and he looks forward to facing Kielbasa in next year's NBA Finals.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 13 July 2010 19:08

One of the legendary baseball executives past away today at the age of 80 as George Steinbrenner suffered a heart attack and died in a hospital in Tampa. It was a somber mood around baseball on the day of the All-Star game, as everyone got the news oh his death.

But that wasn't the case in the afterlife, as the minions of Hell prepared a grand ball to welcome The Boss to their throes. Hell's party planning committee, headed by Satan, Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, and Jack The Ripper, organized an "Under The Sea" themed bash for his arrival. They thought the theme would help cheer him up about his sudden death, by reminding him how he had dominated the mighty ocean-faring Tampa Bay Rays this year after a slow start.

It was to be a gala event, with dancing, music from the pedophile symphony orchestra, and some fine dining on fresh tortured souls. The red carpet was littered with a who's who of dead evil celebrities out in their fanciest attire. But the mood dampened when Steinbrenner actually showed up and Satan went to give him a big hug.

"Whoa, what the...hell, I I doing here?" said a confused Steinbrenner.

"What do you mean?" replied Satan. "This is your welcoming party! We got word you were coming in today, so we threw up this bash! Put on a seashell necklace and let's dance and commit human rights atrocities!"

"Wait, I know I'm pretty disliked around the country because my team wins all the time, and I buy all the good players. But being sent to hell? Really?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure you belong here," said Satan. "You're a pretty hated guy. You're probably the most disliked in sports, aside from Bill Belichick of course. But we already know he's coming to be my successor as soon as he ends up dying."

"Are you serious?!" exclaimed Steinbrenner. "I was just a business man. I mean, there's a guy over there on the side of the red carpet just eating babies!"

"Oh, that...yeah that's Thargor. He's an old Viking serial killer from about 1000 years ago. He loves eating people..." Satan turned and yelled to the man, "Thargor! Knock it off with the babies! We have a new guest! You're freaking him out! Go inside and wait until those babies are cooked, like the rest of us are doing! We can all eat them then!" He turned back to Steinbrenner. "Feel more comfortable now George?"

"No! I don't belong here! How could this have happened?!"

Satan thought for a minute. "Oh, wait... I bet I know what it was. Gary who works in purgatory is a huge Red Sox fan, a part of Red Sox Nation and all that. He probably saw your name on the docket and put you down for Hell..."

"Aha! I knew it! I definitely didn't belong with all these murderers and rapists. Can you get this fixed?"

Satan frowned. "Yeah, I can. But it's going to take a little paperwork to get done. Party is cancelled everybody! George isn't staying!"

"I'm sorry about this, the party looks very nice," said George, trying to cheer up the nearly in tears dark lord.

"This always happens! No one cool ever comes to Hell! It's only these jerks! This'll take some time to get sorted out George...won't you come inside and eat a cooked baby with me while we wait for heaven to come pick you up?"

"Just because I'm going to heaven, doesn't mean I wouldn't love to eat a baby! I'm the boss after all!"

Both men share a laugh and head into the ballroom.

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Written by Matt Webb Tuesday, 13 July 2010 10:10

There have been many poor performances in sports history, but never has a player had a night this horrific. And it just so happened that 12-year old Keri Sterling’s nightmare of a game happened in front of a packed house at Angel Stadium in Anaheim, California and a nationwide audience on ESPN.  Due to her father’s contacts in the business world and his willingness to shell out a few hundred bucks, Sterling got the nod from Home Run Derby Manager Gus McFarland to start in Short Left Center Field. It was a decision that McFarland would soon regret.

The Diamondbacks’ Chris Young started off the night against the Home Run Derby fielders, and it wasn’t long before he hit a lazy fly ball Sterling’s way.  Clearly nervous in her first Derby start, the young outfielder misjudged the fly ball by at least twelve feet, falling backward and bumping into another fielder in the process. That missed fly ball began what was a comedy of errors as the overmatched Sterling attempted to chase down fly balls from sluggers Corey Hart, Hanley Ramirez, Chris Young, Matt Holiday, David Ortiz, Vernon Wells, Nick Swisher and Miguel Cabrera. Her poor fielding display included running long distances with her left arm straight out and her right arm covering her face, turning her glove over the wrong way multiple times, and jumping to catch balls that were twenty feet of more over her head.

Even when Sterling was able to retrieve the ball, she was unable to throw it more than three feet towards the infield. By the time eventually Home Run Champion Big Papi made it to the plate for the last time, Keri Sterling had committed a record 37 fielding errors, and it would have been 39 had two of those errors not been incorrectly pinned on 8-year old Jake Lowery, the Derby’s 4th Mid Left Center Fielder. 

“After a performance like that, we really have no choice but to make a move,” said Coach McFarland, “We just can’t afford to have a kid like her out there with such a glaring lack of any athletic ability whatsoever. We only have enough room for about 85 outfielders on this roster. I’m afraid that all the coaching and practice in the world wouldn’t help, clearly this young lady was just a loser in the genetic lottery.  I’ve met with her and told her that sports are just not in her future, and that maybe she should take up piano or painting or Harry Potter books or whatever it is that those unathletic, nerdy kids participate in.”

“I don’t know what to say,” said Sterling’s distraught father, an account executive for a local State Farm office “I’m very displeased with this performance.  We practiced for weeks in the backyard, and eventually I was able to toss up the ball and hit a few fly balls that almost made it out to where she was standing.”

TSC attempted to speak to Sterling herself following her record setting night, but she left the stadium crying like a little girl.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 06 July 2010 12:30
The process of having fans only vote on the MLB All-Star Game has finally backfired on Major League Baseball, as they have announced no active players have made it onto either roster this year. For years the fan vote process has been chided by critics for allowing undeserving popular players to slip into the game ahead of those with better stats. But now the biggest snub might be players like Albert Pujols and Joe Mauer, as not a single player will be taking part in the festivites this year.

"Well, I guess I just wasn't quite having the year I thought I was," said a dejected Miguel Cabrera after hearing the news that he hadn't made the AL team. "I thought for sure a .339 average, 20 homers, and 71 RBIs would be good enough to punch my ticket, but apparently they thought someone else would make a better choice."

Jerry Birkowitz, the man who the fans thought made a better choice at first base, has never played in the major or minor leagues, but does occasionally take part in a winter softball league with his coworkers. His popularity in Detroit, for owning three car dealerships, is believed to be the primary reason he made the team this year.

"I'm just honored to make the team," said Birkowitz. "I worked long and hard to make sure everyone at Tigers games wrote down my name on the ballot under the write-in category. Playing in an all-star game has been a dream of mine least 2 months ago, when I realized I could probably bend the rules to get away with it. I'm so happy right now."

He is just one of 48 fans who managed to get enough votes to propel them over major stars and into the game which will decide home field advantage and the fate of the MLB season.

"Wow, this is a big responsibility, I hope we don't let the viewers down" said Dave Henderson, another fan taking part in the game, "But even if we can't really play baseball, we're all planning on being really really drunk, so it's going to be pretty fun to watch anyway."


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Picture Of The Day

The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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