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NFL

Written by Matt Webb Monday, 20 September 2010 09:00

It's been a crazy week, with the recent accusations of sexual harassment in the Jets locker room by Ines Sainz, the attractive sports reporter and former model from Mexico’s TV Azteca. Now Shelley Smith, one of ESPN’s most unattractive female reporters have come out in defense of the Jets and NFL players in general.

“I seriously question the veracity of Ms. Sainz’s claims of harassment," said Smith. In all my time as a reporter, I have never once been the recipient of any cat calls, uncomfortable stares or lewd comments while on the sidelines or in any NFL locker room."

Smith also noted that most of the players go out of their way to be very respectful and that they go out of their way to quickly dress or otherwise make an attempt to cover themselves when she enters the room.

“I cannot recall a single time when an NFL player has ever said anything sexually inappropriate to me or made any inappropriate advances towards me, even on occasions when I accidentally wear lingerie into the locker room or mistakenly text a player a photograph of one of my breasts.”

Tom Brady, the subject of frequent interview requests by Smith, confirmed her story. “I can honestly say I have never seen a player say anything inappropriate to her,” said Brady, who then made a gagging sound like he may have thrown up in his mouth. Brady went on to admit that in a turn of events, he has filed several harassment claims against Smith for among other things: asking if she can conduct interviews while sitting on Brady’s lap, telling Brady that he needs to speak clearly into her cleavage microphone, and for asking Brady when he would make “Little Tom” available for an exclusive.

According to league officials, these matters are still under investigation.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 14 September 2010 15:51

Indianapolis Colts defensive back Bob Sanders was injured yesterday during a routine exam by the doctors who were trying to assess the extent of his injuries from last Sunday's game. Sanders, who has yet to play a full NFL season, and has missed at least ten games in five of his six NFL seasons, tore a biceps muscle during the team's opener against the Houston Texans. 

"He's a great player, but he just has trouble staying away from injuries," said Dr. Tom Garrett, to reporters in the midst of the exam. "I just hope that we've been able to...oh no! Bob!"

Dr. Garrett quickly spun around to see Sanders had fallen off the exam table.

"Well, crap! You take your eye off this guy for one second, and he falls off an exam table and separates his shoulder. This could be bad, I'm going to have to ask you reporters to leave now."

All in all, Sanders sustained 7 injuries while at the doctor's office today. Ranging from a pulled hamstring while changing into a hospital gown, to a concussion when he bumped his head on the catscan machine, to what doctor's believe to be the first ever non animated person to ever slip on a banana peel and fall comically to the ground.

"Yes, the banana peel was probably my fault," said Dr. Garrett after the exam. "I had one for a snack and left it on the ground. I've never seen a real person trip on one of those and fall backwards onto their arm. I don't know what to do for a banana peel injury, but I've got an assistant watching Tom & Jerry now to see if he can find a proper treatment."

Sanders injuries today were so extensive, he was going to need to be put in the intensive care unit to be kept alive. But doctor's realized he would probably just die from more injuries on the way to being hooked up to all the machines, so they placed him in an empty padded room. While not a usual practice, they think he'll be the safest there. They are going to check on him again in a few days and see if he's healed at all.

We tried to find a picture of Bob Sanders actually playing football and not in the process of being injuried, but were unable to locate any. It's believed there are less pictures of a healthy Bob Sanders than of Bigfoot. They all feature him in a cast/street clothes, or in the midst of a break, tear, or strain.


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Written by Nick Cafferky Monday, 13 September 2010 21:29

After the first Sunday of the NFL season had taken its course, fans woke up to find a rather odd set of standings for the NFC East.

According to NFL.com, the Dallas Cowboys are listed as 0-2, while the Washington Redskins are listed as 0-0-1.

This is rather odd because not only have the Cowboys only played one game – making their 0-2 rather odd – but the Redskins actually beat the Cowboys 13-7 on Sunday night and should be 1-0.

While Sunday night’s victory was victorious Sunday night, to say that Washington played well is beyond a stretch. The team’s only touchdown came on a DeAngelo Hall fumble recovery on a play that shouldn’t have been run in the first place.

Still, the scoreboard at the end of the game showed that the ‘Skins had won.

“I am a bit confused,” said Redskins coach Mike Shanahan. “I mean, it wasn’t pretty, but we did technically win didn’t we.”

Yet despite many reputable newspaper reporting that the Redskins had won, the NFL standings told a different story.

To explain to the fans the situation, Roger Goodell came out with this statement:

“What we saw on Sunday night was not anyone winning, but a disgrace to football. The Redskins did nothing to win that game so I cannot in good conscience give them a win in the standings. That being said, the Cowboys were not only beaten on the scoreboard, but they essentially did everything they could to lose. For that reason, I feel that I must punish them by giving them an extra loss.”

Immediately following the statement, Shanahan started writing up his appeal that many say will certain reverse the decision because Goodell has no precident for his actions. Wade Phillips too launched a protest with the league office.

"What's that, Dallas wants to argue this decision too?" asked Goodell when told of the appeals. "Well you know what? Detroit didn't really deserve that loss yesterday, so bam, the Cowboys get that one too! 0-3! Congrats Lions, you don't have to worry about that call any more."

"This is totally outrageous!" added Wade Phillips.

"There's another one Cowboys!" yelled Goodell. "0-4! You're about one loss away from being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs after week one. I got losses to give out all day long. And you know what, there's been a lot of talk about taking away Heisman trophies recently, I'm gonna dock you two Heismans as well. I don't know how you'll get them, but you buy some, and then send them to me."

"Well, shit. At least I'm not fired yet," said Wade Phillips. "I still have a couple more weeks to go before that happens..."


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Written by Brett Lay Monday, 13 September 2010 07:00

Troy Aikman and Joe Buck just surpassed John Madden and Pat “I shot Billy the Kid” Summerall as the Fox network’s longest-tenured broadcasting team.

“I can remember when we used to use telegraphs for play by plays,” stated Troy Aikman, half of the broadcast duo for Fox Sports, before slamming the empty shot glass on the table. “And I can’t tell you how often Joe would be in a shootout in whatever local saloon we were at, and then just come dragging in right before broadcast, bleeding profusely but soundly drunk.”

Buck added, “It was much harder before all the high def cameras and what not. You try to figure out which team is which when everything around is in Sepia tone.”

Aikman reminisces “I remember when Joe had to run onto the field and attempt to paint yellow lines where the first down markers would go by hand. And he had to get it done before each snap of the ball, or he would be trampled to death by the horses. People nowadays don’t even know how hard it used to be.”

(Editor’s note: In the late 1800’s, football was originally played on horseback, much like polo. However in the early 1900’s, a leather ball replaced the customary 6-shooter that most teams just used to kill each other.)

“I remember when it was sensible violence. No concussions back then,” joked Aikman. “Just good old-fashioned headshots. Also, things just seemed to go in slow motion more often, but I’m not sure why. It probably had to do with the cool Dobro and harmonica music that always played in the background.”

Things were not always so rosy for the duo, though. “Back in prohibition, Aikman here ran a still back behind the old Jenkins’ barn. It’s little know that we were the first official supplier to the NFL for bootleg liquor,” Joe stated. “But then contracts got a little iffy, there were some conflicts of interest, and we almost lost the booth.” Troy added “But it worked out all right, the league just bought the rights to my still, and we moved right along, didn’t skip a beat.”

The future continues to look bright for Joe and Troy.

“We are in this for the long haul, and what a gig, right? Besides, since we live off the same cursed mummy powers that fuel Dick Clark’s immortality, we should be around until at least doomsday, and maybe even longer. I guess we’ll see how it goes when our contract is up for renewal in 2074.”


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Written by Brett Lay Wednesday, 08 September 2010 11:01

The very picture of a somber mood is painted on the Steelers’ practice unit, as a light drizzle falls from the gray skies of this appropriately named “Steel City”, the sounds of pads popping and helmets clashing on the practice field not betraying the disappointment of one Troy Polamalu, the Steelers’ hard hitting Strong Safety.

Polamalu sits on the bench, stoically gazing at the battling gladiators as they hone their skills for the war that is the NFL season to come. Troy’s silent presence cheers on his compatriots even with just his physical proximity, although they know that the potential for disaster looms on the dreary horizon, and yet they valiantly fight the good fight without one of their key pieces.

Ever since long hair entered the league in the same draft class as Edgerrin James in 1999, it has continually fought from the realm of obscurity, to the forefront of the sporting world, revealing the mystery of its flowing prowess, stunning uselessness set against a backdrop of being overpaid to do virtually nothing.

In other words, Hair fought from baseline to be just as respected as any professional athlete alive today, along with all the hills and valleys that go with said fame.

It wasn’t long after that Hair (as he affectionately came to be known in the locker room) soon began to grow an equally large and flowing ego. It was awarded a new contract in the 2004 season, and with this came money, prestige, and fame. It was on center stage, and consumed with newfound power, it flaunted its presumed influence and assumption of being above the law on an unsuspecting populace. A criminal record soon formed, and long Hair began to keep the wrong kind of company.

Hair then went through a rough bout in early 2005 and was remanded into the custody of a Pennsylvania state prison institution for armed robbery and DUI. It was shortly after Troy Polamalu then saw the opportunity, and picked Hair up from waivers, thinking he could reform and redeem it, and restore it to its rightful standing.

Although many people still mocked long Hair, thinking it to be nothing more than another trend that would surely fall to the wayside, like the Wing T offense, goal posts on the goal line, or Soccer. This all changed in 2009, when Polamalu’s Hair single handedly won Super Bowl XL. Even subbing in for Ben Roethlisberger on a few run plays so the QB could catch his breath and field calls from the Lifetime network.

Hair truly appeared to be back on the good track, and looked to be heading towards the Hall of Fame that even this reporter predicted for it before the unfortunate Prell shampoo incident of 2005.

Unfortunately, all of these expectations were put on hold this week, when Hair insured itself for one million dollars, just to prove how awesome it was. Before announcing that unless it were to be paid a guaranteed “sixty gajillion” dollars this season, it was prepared to sit out.

“I tried to tell him,” announced Mike Tomlin, Steelers head coach, at a press conference Tuesday, “that nobody on anyone’s defense makes this kind of money, and we sure weren’t going to talk when he is currently signed to an existing contract.” He then leaned back and stroked his chin before continuing: “Also, I’m not even sure a gajillion is a real number, but if it is, the only one making that kind of money would be Peyton Manning.”

At this point, Peyton Manning appeared in a titanium warp-powered diamond encrusted time traveling space ship to confirm that not only is a gajillion a real amount, but that he did in fact make several of them, before beaming himself back into his vehicle and blasting off towards the Cartesian star system in the Delta Quadrant, where he owns a summer home.

All is not necessarily lost for the Steelers this season yet, though. Although Hair looks to have battened down the hatches, prepared to ride out this season on the bench, there may be an alternative for them yet.

“I could always just get a haircut, I guess,” said Polamalu.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 07 September 2010 06:23

Cincinnati Bengals owner Mike Brown wanted to come out and be up front about his team's priorities for this season after looking at the roster after training camp.

"I know a lot of Bengals fans are going to be unhappy about the team we are putting out there for this season," said Brown in a press conference yesterday. "This is going to be a tough couple of months, because this team will not be what you guys expect from the Bengals. You are used to them choking within the first month, being buried by the Pittsburgh Steelers, and then being able to say 'Maybe next year..." by mid-October.

"Well, this year will be a little different, it may in fact be a rebuilding year. Somehow, someway, we've actually managed to acquire some good talent on both sides of the ball despite our best efforts to do otherwise. People in the sports media are predicting a wild card for us, or even a division title. That's not what our fanbase expects, and I'm sorry."

Cincinnati area fans are not taking the news well.

"I made plans for a weeklong family vacation spanning the last two Sundays of the season," said longtime fan Mike Gardin. "I didn't expect to still be caring about the Bengals in December! Now I'll have to be running to check scores in a bar, and hurrying back to the hotel to watch the games. How do normal NFL fans do it?! I've never had to care after November 1st before!"

Brown and head coach Marvin Lewis say it may take 2-3 years to rebuild this roster into the awful one that usually takes the field for the Bengals. They considered just releasing all 53 players at once, and filling the spots with ex-convicts and arena league players, but the NFL said that was not allowed. But they are hopeful that they will be able to balance out the talent on their roster with bad play calls, overtraining, and burning all game film, instead of letting their players study it.

"Please, suffer through this good team as we work to bring the Cincinnati Bengals back to where you all expect them to be," continued Brown. "I'm sorry this had to happen. But give us a couple more drafts to screw up, some big contracts to claim we can't afford to pay, and we'll be right back to normal. You'll have your Sundays back soon, Cincinnati residents. Until then, you may have to invite people over to watch some Bengals games on the weekends. It actually may be something on the field you want to see. I'm sorry."


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Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 01 September 2010 06:55

The Minnesota Vikings made it official today, inking veteran quarterback Brett Favre to his usual .4 year contract for the 2010 season. The deal is very good for Favre, who will be payed $12 million dollars for only being with the team from September through the end of December.

The contract states that starting in January he is free to revert, as has become customary, from the form of a future hall of fame quarterback to that of your mother playing QB at the holiday touch football game. He also gets to bypass the annoying offseason routine and training camp activities.

"I am very excited about this deal," said Favre at a press conference. "At my age, these unusual .4 year deals are the best. I can come in, play great in the regular season, and then throw some quick picks and send the team and myself home for the offseason. As you all know, for me, the offseason is what I really concentrate on nowadays. Will I come back, who should I text or tweet secret information to, practicing at various high schools. The offseason is what I really love, and with this short contract I can get the most out of it."

Favre has been a rogue gunslinger the past few years, signing a .2 year contract with the New York Jets after being unceremoniously released from Green Bay Packers. He performed great for the length of that contract too, leading the Jets to the best record in the AFC for the first 2 months, before things went to hell once his contracted time was up.

The Vikings remain hopeful that Favre will resign with them once the playoffs start, but it's looking doubtful at this time.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Thursday, 26 August 2010 00:49

The Carolina Panthers announced today that the battle for the starting quarterback job during preseason has ended in a tie. Both incumbent Matt Moore and Jimmy Clausen both tried hard to overcome the other in a tense competition, but neither was able to make a case that they should be a starting QB in the NFL.

"These guys both gave it their all, but in the end both of them just kind of suck," said Panthers head coach John Fox. "Just like a football game can go into overtime if it's two awful offenses who can't score, this thing is going to overtime as well."

QB competition overtime is very rare in the NFL. The rules are simple, both QBs line up behind center in the shotgun during the first regular game, hike the ball, and see who gets it and does the best over the course of the game. It's hard to run an effective offense with two players on your own team fighting for one ball on every snap, but this is the only way to settle the battle at this point.

"This could create quite a problem in game planning for these two quarterbacks on the field at the same time," said New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton. "If Clausen gets it on a given snap, we will have to plan for innacurate throws and crappy reads. But if Moore gets it, we'll have to get ready for overthrown balls and shitty mobility. These guys each suck in completely different ways, it's going to be tough to get ready for both of them."

The Panthers aren't sure how long this will continue. If the QB competition is still a tie after a couple games into the season, it will be declared a tie as in NFL overtime. John Fox says if that should happen he will probably just cut every quarterback on his roster and run the ball every down.

They will probably be doing that with either of these guys anyway, so the results should look about the same.


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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 24 August 2010 19:26

It was a gruesome scene today in Denver as the Coors Light Love Train derailed and flew into the stands, killing 58 fans.

It was a scorching hot summer day when the Denver Broncos hosted the Detroit Lions at Invesco Field. The crowd was seemingly not into the game due to the high heat index, as temperatures reached as high as 104 degrees. The home team would make a first down or a big defensive stop, and there was little emotion from the Colorado crowd.

But Broncos officials had a plan, a time honored tradition in the Mile High city for when the heat got too unbearable. They pumped up the loud speakers and before everyone knew it "Love Train" was blaring throughout the stadium. The crowd's spirit immediately picked up as the Coors Light train came roaring out the tunnel and the crowd cheered loudly, but it didn't even reach midfield when disaster struck.

The train jerked upward as it derailed and went careening into innocent bystanders, who were just hoping to catch a few pieces of magic snow. People screamed as limbs and blood flew everywhere. Those who could get out of the way immediately ran for the exists. Emergency workers quickly rushed to the scene to help those trapped below the giant beer train.

"We are still trying to assess all the damage, but it's pretty bad in there," said one firefighter outside the stadium. "I've never seen anything like this. A magic beer train just coming off its invisible rails and injuring the very people it came to cool off and get drunk.

"I hope Congress looks at magic beer train regulations, because I for one have been saying their regulations are way too lax. These things can just appear anywhere, any time the Love Train song plays. Do they even card when making beers mystically appear in everyone's hands? I know there are kids in this stadium somewhere."

It's unknown at the time of this report exactly what led to the crash. The driver, a longtime Coors employee, is being questioned for whether or not he was drinking at the time of the wreck. He apparently yelled "tap the Rockies mothereffers!" out the window right before it all went bad.

"Well, I am driving a magic beer train, you kind of can't be sober," said the conductor.

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Written by Tim Hoffman Tuesday, 17 August 2010 21:17

Tim Tebow today announced the opening of the brand new TimTebow.com today, a website with premium paid access for reporters and members of the media who just can't get enough of the Broncos QB.

For only $19.99 per month, ESPN commentators and talk radio hosts can get a behind the scenes look at Tebow's most personal information, just in case there is no trivial Tebow news they can use that day to shoehorn in another discussion of the quarterback.

"Wow, if there's one thing I love, it's talking and watching Tebow," said ESPN radio host Colin Cowherd. "As a member of the media, I just can't get enough! I signed up for the new site membership immediately, and can now debate whether or not he can be successful in the NFL, at any time and anywhere!

Just then, Cowherd got a tweet, "Wow! He just tweeted to all us premium members that he made eggs for breakfast! He's already adjusted to breakfast in the NFL! He's ready to take over this team now!"

The new website features a store where fans can continue to buy Tebow's number one selling jersey, as well as jerseys of all the other popular third string QBs.

You can pick up a Luke McCown jersey from the Jacksonville Jaguars, a Zac Robinson jersey from the New England Patriots, or a Chiefs jersey that just says Kansas City on the back. As even the league office and the actual Chiefs team don't really know who their third string QB is.

Stunningly, not many Zac Robinson jerseys have been sold so far.

The site is also causing a stir because of its XXX section, which has photos and videos of a nude Tim Tebow working out and running fake combine tests. Many regular fans are confused about why the website is even in existence, as well as why the media is so in love with a good college QB who most agreed before the draft wouldn't do well in the pros.

"You tell them to shut up!" yelled Cowherd, when he heard of the public's skepticism. "It's not something we can explain here at ESPN, we just can't get enough Tebow. Sure, I've checked out the XXX section. Sure, I've seen the entire crew of NFL Live gathered around a laptop, and taking notes to break down his nude films."

Cowherd continued, "I say to everyone, don't judge me. It's just something I must watch, as it's in some way related to Tim Tebow. Let me just add that based on what I've "seen", he's definitely a "big leaguer", and ready to take over from Kyle Orton..."

The message boards on TimTebow.com are filled with ESPN analysts discussing with each other, everything about the QB.

Current popular threads are "How sure are we he's a lock for Hall Of Fame first ballot?", "Should we fight to the death to see who gets to interview him if he ever comes in the ESPN offices?", and finally "Tim Tebow: Erotic Fanfic".


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Picture Of The Day


The Arizona Wildcats team does NOT regret the decision to play a football game wearing their PJs.

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