Written by Tim Hoffman Monday, 12 January 2009 15:52
In a press release that was sent out to all major media outlets today, it was made known that Marvin Harrison's Wash 'N Shoot franchise would be opening 5 new locations in and around the Philadelphia area in the near future. The popular combination of car wash and shooting range has been a surprising success for the Indianapolis wide receiver, aside of course from the three person shooting that took place there last year, for which Harrison is a suspect.
The press release talks about the success of the franchise: "When Harrison opened the first combination of live fire gun range and car wash, many people thought it wouldn't work. These are probably the same people that thought Randall Cunningham's Colonics & Discount Plumbing Supplies wouldn't work either. But, here we are five years after our grand opening, and business is bigger than ever! The so-called safety inspectors said we would have too many accidental gunshots, but we've only had three...that have been reported to the authorities. Only 3 people put in critical condition in five years? I'd say that makes them the no-fun inspectors."
The concept of Marvin Harrison's Wash N Shoot is both simple and brilliant. You drive your car through the long wash tunnel as in any normal car wash, only with all the windows rolled down. You, your wife, and your kids are all given live semi-automatic handguns to use during the ride. Then, as you proceed down the tunnel, you battle the hot wax and cleaning brushes coming into your window to shoot at various targets. A sign warns that if you do not bring your best skills, you will probably lose a portion of your eyesight, as the wax is toxic.
The targets that pop up during the ride are all villains that Marvin Harrison has battled throughout his career and life. You can shoot the Patriots Defense, the Chargers Defense, the Steelers Defense, or just any of the 100's of defenses that have played the Colts in the playoffs and managed to shut them down. You can also battle Harrison's hamstring, which has plagued several of his recent seasons. He actually had the muscle removed and hung onto a target for some realistic bloody action. Finally, you have the chance to shoot a giant monster made of scrambled eggs and Skittles candy, that used to haunt Marvin's dreams as a young boy. It is truly terrifying.
The press release goes on to say that the new Wash N' Shoot locations are looking for new employees: "We are now hiring for Chloroform And Relocation Specialists. You will need to have experience chloroforming injured people and relocating them off-property so that the police do not catch wind of it. Experience chloroforming people aside from merely female dates preferred. Examples of previous body relocation work desired, can provide shovels to dig if hidden bodies deceased."