Written by Tim Hoffman Wednesday, 08 April 2009 09:47
Jose Gazpacho, a starting pitcher with the triple A affiliate of the Seattle Mariners, was revealed at having failed a drug test today by the league. The test, which is given randomly to all players who might one day enter the league, is to see if they can handle the physical and psychological demands that taking multiple steroids and narcotics can have on the body.
Gazpacho was first given cocaine, then two shots of heroin, followed by a large dose of HGH, chased by a bit of steroids, and then he was told to chug a beer really fast. He was told that tests like this are necessary to make sure he is properly prepared for what he will probably be doing after getting blown out on the road by a team like the Kansas City Royals, and with nothing to do that night than to try and entertain himself in the town of Kansas City.
But Gazpacho failed the test, as he immediately began freaking out and said that the wallpaper was trying to eat off his clothing. He then shed his close, so as to distract the wallpaper momentarily, and ran out of the team facility to the beach where he tried to swim naked "to the planet Mars, so that I can be with my native people". It was one of the biggest failed tests in the history of baseball, and they are considering a suspension of the player as a result.
"You need to be ready for these drugs if you want a callup to the big leagues," said MLB Commissioner Bud Selig. "To be competitive in today's game you are going to need to be doing several kinds of steroids, in addition to addictive narcotics. That's just the way things work out there. This is exactly why we have these random tests in place, to make sure we can catch the players out there who just aren't ready for the big time. This way we can expel them from the league so they don't cause us bad headlines later, and they can work on kicking the heroin addiction we just gave them on their own."
The Mariners organization is said to be glad they got the test results when they did, with manager Don Wakamatsu calling the test a "disgrace to the ballclub" and Gazpacho a "lightweight pussy".