Friday Aug 01
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Mets Write Polite Letter To Marlins Reminding Them To Lose

A letter from the New York Mets was delivered today to the Florida Marlins club offices in Miami. It was written by Mets manager Jerry Manuel, on behalf of his team. Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria gathered his club together in the locker room so that he could read the heartfelt letter to them. It read as follows:

Dear Florida Marlins,

I am writing you on behalf of my players here who you have painfully embarassed through the first three weeks of the season. Do you guys like being mean? Is that it? You have no payroll and no big stars, yet you are out here knocking down my innocent players into 4th place? This is supposed to be where you guys are right now, and you're making us all look bad.

My poor guys don't know what to do with themselves. David Wright made $8 million dollars this year, but he has nothing to celebrate with that money! Jose Reyes was so sad after you guys beat us last week, he went out and just started buying expensive foreign sports cars. He's running out of room in his 8 garages for Pete's sake! You guys have to put a stop to this.

Just do the right thing here. We play you all next week, and at many times during the game, our awful starting pitching not named Johan Santana is going to throw you a horrible hanging pitch that you will be tempted to drive out of the ballpark. Please, just don't. For the sake of these poor boys in New York.

They are up here suffering, eating out every night at fancy steakhouses, partying with movie stars. They don't get to live your crazy lifestyle of deathly hot weather, retirees everywhere, and a fanbase that doesn't give a crap. They can only dream of such a place. So please, throw them a bone. Do what's in the best interest of everyone and just lose from now on.

Sincerely, Jerry Manuel

The letter brought a tear to the eyes of some Marlins players, who did not realize the plight of their fellow men in New York. They dedicated their sweep by the Pirates to the Mets. They said it was very hard to lose to such a bad team three times, but they wanted to make sure the Mets had a chance to at least get a little closer in the standings.


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